1994. I was a new arrival in Angel City. No job. No money. Couch surfing. Getting work of any kind was proving significantly tougher than I thought.
Trying to meet some people, I went into an AOL chatroom one night and started talking to this woman. She told me she was a comic performing at the Improv on Melrose avenue that night. There were no jpgs back then. No digital cameras. It was a B&W digital classified ad. Friends, fine. Date, fine, nothing, fine. Don’t care. Just get me out of the house.
I showed up having no idea what she'd look like. Without going into too much detail, it wasn't really an aesthetic not personality fit. Oh, and she wasn't really a comic either. She was "The Fluffer" or announcer there to warm up the crowd. She was neither attractive, not in any way talented. Nevertheless I saw magic in a just starting out Sarah Silverman.
I’m walking east on Melrose Avenue. Pehaps a block and a half away. While Melrose appears at first glance to be, a series of interconnected, mud & chicken wire, no civic pride, sub-Tijuana architecture, some of them have narrow spaces between them.
Man with knife steps out sideways from building gap:
Robber: Your watch & your wallet Señor.
This nervous looking, late 20’s, diminutive Mexican man with the half assed mustache, didn’t seem like a scary felon. He looked like Jorge, my house painter. Nevertheless, I’m on edge.
Having been carjacked at gunpoint less than a year earlier in Chicago, I was quite traumatized and on edge. A jumpy crackhead asshole who shoves the barrel of a gun in your mouth while wearing Groucho Glasses tends to do that to you. It took years before I’d get into someone’s convertible or allow windows open in a car.
I wasn’t nervous. I was ready.
Me: Whoa! OK. I’m just reaching for my wallet, ok?
Robber: (nods ok)
Me: I reach for the inside pocket of my jacket and pull out my pocket pistol. A Sig Sauer P230 packed full of Federal Hydra-Shok JHP’s.
Me: Your watch & YOUR wallet.
Guys drops his Chinese, liquor store knife, which clatters onto the sidewalk. He takes a step back & raises his hands with his elbows at his side.
Robber: Ma Señior, I only have a few coins.
Me: I’ll take them.
He hands me a quarter, 2 dimes and 2 pennies. Turns and begins to walk away.
Me: Where do you think you’re going?
Robber: I gave you everything.
Me: No you didn’t. Give me your wallet and your keys.
Robber: (Showing me his wallet) See. No money.
Me: Give it to me. Part of your punishment is going to the DMV and getting a new drivers license. And your keys.
Hands me his wallet.
Robber: You can’t take my keys man, I’ve got a family. I gotta get home.
Me: Or I can blow a hole in your face. Up to you. Walk home. You’re a terrible parent.
Drops the keys into my open hand, then turns to walk away again.
Me: What are you doing?
Robber: Man. What do you want? I gave you everything.
Me: No you didn’t. Give me your coat.
Robber: You’re gonna take my coat?
Me: I’m letting you keep your shoes. That’s about it. Any problem with that?
(Silence)
Me: Now apologize.
Robber: Huh.
Me: Tell me you’re sorry and you’re never going to do this to anyone again.
Robber: I’m sorry.
He walked away. I threw his keys down the sewer, his coat and his wallet into the trash & felt at the time like I’d somehow done some good.
AND SCENE.
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