Friday, October 31, 2014

THE DATE THAT NEVER CAME TO PASS

Facebook girl. Never met in person.

Her: Let's meet up. My boyfriend just broke up with me. 

Me: Why did he break up with you?

Her: He's going to prison. 

Me: Doesn't that usually happen the other way around?

Her: I know

Me: Why is he going to prison?

Her: He blew up a house while making Butane wax (a highly concentrated form of marijuana). He literally blew up an entire house with 2 kids in it. No one died, but he still has to go away. 

Me: Imagine that. What's your type?

Her: Bad boys & outlaws. 

Me: Sounds perfect.  Can't you get conjugal visits with him?

Her: Not in federal. 

Me: Oh well. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

MY SHORTEST FIRST DATE

I'm getting a morning coffee at this place up the street in Hollywood. As I'm waking up & checking my phone, this attractive blonde in a vintage Army shirt compliments my boots.

We begin chatting. I notice her Australian accent. She's been in L.A. for 3 years. She seems intelligent, nice, well put together and knows how to use a curling iron.

We chat for another half hour or so and I stand, she says "Let me give you my number". I agree & tell her I'll call her later on.

We decide to meet for dinner that night. I order a glass of wine & she orders nothing & tells me she's newly sober.

Me: Ah. I see. What was your substance of choice?

Whether someone was a junkie, a drunk or a coke head, if you're listening, it will tell you a lot about their personality type.

Rachel: Everything

That's no help, I thought.

Rachel: Listen. Scott. I've done some things I'm not proud of.

Me: Well, so have I. Who hasn't?

Rachel: No. I mean, REALLY not proud of.

Me: What's the worst thing you've ever done to another human being?

Rachel: I was getting high with this young girl & she O.D'd.  And while I felt bad about putting her out in the alley & not calling 911, for whatever the reason, I felt much worse that her parents probably think she died alone, shooting heroin in an alley in Hollywood.

Me: I like to think that I'm generally speaking, without judgement, but... I'm going to go.

Rachel: K.