I used to have this friend years ago whom I had to ditch when I discovered he was a drug addict & stealing prescription pills from the homes of friends of mine.
Through L.A’s greatest job bank, Alcoholics Anonymous, he somehow landed a job as the personal assistant to Merv Griffin.
For those who don’t know about Merv, he was an old school tycoon in the truest sense of the word. Early on, he had a #1 Billboard hit for I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”. He hosted a popular talk show in the 70’s, he created the #1 & #2 most successful TV shows of all time “Wheel of Fortune” & “Jeopardy” (He also wrote the music for both). In addition, he owned a portfolio of hotels, resorts & casinos. He kept his offices at his flagship L.A. property, The Beverly Hilton. Merv was big, white haired, whip smart, incredibly charismatic, charming, hilarious & gay.
His head of security & bodyguard was a guy called Al. Al was a fascinating guy who looked like a Martin Scorcese character. Grey hair, cop mustache, gradient shades. Grey suits. Pink shirts. Banker striped ties with double windsor knots. Nickel plated Colt Combat Commander in the waistband. No Holster. Funny, smart & a great storyteller.
He was a retired L.A.P.D. watch commander. He had killed many “assholes” in the line of duty. He was all business and he did not suffer fools gladly. We’d have lunch every few weeks, usually in the commissary at the hotel. We'd swap stories & laugh.
While the Beverly Hilton isn’t the poshest hotel in Los Angeles, it does boast one unique feature. It has the largest ballroom in town. If you’re doing a big show like The Golden Globes or any number of other things, it’s the only game in town.
One day, the guys are walking back from lunch and decide to take a shortcut through The International Ballroom. Security was particularly high because they were setting up for the DNC or a fundraiser for President Clinton. The Secret service are drilling holes, talking in earpieces and generally doing Secret Service-y kinds of things.
Secret Service: Excuse me Sir!
Al: (Ignores them. Keeps walking)
Secret Service: SIR!
Al: (Again, can’t be bothered.)
Things are heating up now. There are now 5 guys following. 2 run ahead & cut Al off.
Al: What do YOU fucking meter maids want?
Secret Service: Sir, United States Secret Service. Presidential detail. Why are you here?
Al: I’m Director of Security for this hotel and it’s owner, Mr. Griffin.
Secret Service: Sir. Are you carrying a weapon at this time?
Al: (sneering). You’re God damned right I am.
Secret Service: Sir. I’m going to need your weapon.
Al: (Cliché, but) "When you pry it from my cold dead hands". Al walks away.
Things are getting tense and now maybe 8 guys are following. Al is a cool customer and calmly walks back into the offices of the Griffin Group. ALL the Secret Service agents follow into a small reception area.
Reception area: Enter Merv Griffin.
Merv: Oooh. What the hell’s going on in here?
Secret Service: Sir, we’re the United States Secret Service. We work for the President. There can be no firearms on property while the President is here.
Merv: Oh noooo. That won’t do at all. This mans job is to protect me. I mean… Al, what the hell good are you without your gun?
Al: Exactly sir.
Secret Service: Mr. Griffin. This isn’t a negotiation. It’s simply not an option.
Merv: You're half right about that. (Merv to receptionist). The hotel is closed. I’m going to need you to relocate all the guests. And you guys need to tell the President he’s going to have to find another venue for his event tomorrow night. OR, I can.(Smiles) I have his cell phone number.
Game. Set. Match. Merv.
