MEETING MY EXES PARENTS

Some years back I dated this Chinese girl called Kim. We'd been together for over a year and it was time to meet her parents. Having always gotten along with parents, I was confident.

Her parents are gen 1 immigrants from Guangzhou who were the product of an arranged marriage. They emigrated through Vietnam and settled in Orange County.

Mom's name was "Cookie". Dad's name was "Ty". I haven't the vaguest idea of their Chinese names and never will.

KIM: (in car) Their English isn't great. Speak slowly white man.

ME: Copy.

We enter their impeccably maintained, split level Anaheim tract home. The landscaping was exquisite. I spot a baby banana tree bursting with fruit, roses, figs, avocadoes and all manner of citrus.

Both parents greet us at the door. Ty was effusive and friendly. He was doughy and bearded, like a Chinese Steve Wozniak. By the way he made blushing eye contact, my once over formed the conclusion that he's gay. Cool.

Cookie, on the other hand just squinted deeply and judgmentally into my eyes. Cookie stood 4'8". Maybe. As Kim once said "She may be small, but her bitch boots are tall".

COOKIE: You. Come with me.

ME: OK.

I follow her to a roomy kitchen. Again, O.C. tract. Pink granite island. Oak covered refrigerator/freezer. Shit, but better than my shit. She points to a bar stool.

COOKIE: You. Sit.

Trying not to laugh, I sit. Where is this going?

COOKIE: I don't. Like. White people.

Fucking joyous. She went there. Holding on for dear life trying not to explode with laughter. If this old Chinese dwarf-mom wasn't hilarious enough, she's also racist. This is the best.

I nod attentively and keep it together.

COOKIE: Ling say you Jewish. Is this true?

I fucking love her! She hates Jews too. She's like straight up Moo Shoo Mel Gibson.

ME: Um yes. 100%

COOKIE: Oh. Good. Jewish people only white people not lazy.

Base hit. 👌🏼

Kim enters & sits down next to me. Not sure how much she heard.

KIM: (Whispering in my ear excitedly) I think she likes you!

ME: (also whispering) Really? I don't think so at all.

KIM: No. this is really good for her. She hates white people.

ME: I know. She told me.

As predicted, we were fine. Turns out dad was totally gay. His strangest obsession was watching Justin Timberlake videos over and over again dubbed in Mandarin. He'd also flirt awkwardly with twentysomething waiters.

And scene...