JOAN RIVERS & MY BALLS

Last year I did a shoot with Joan Rivers & appeared on her show.  So smart. So funny. I had to stop shooting every few minutes because I was laughing so hard. Here’s a snippet. 

Joan: Scott. How old are you?

Me: Legal

Joan: Shut the fuck up. How old are you?

Me: Cut me in half & count the rings. 

Joan: You asshole. How old?

Me: I’m 46. 

Joan: Do your balls sag?

Me: What?

Joan: What? Do you have shit in your ears? Do your balls sag?

Me: Well, more than they did as a teenager… yeah. 

Joan: My vagina sags so much that when I got out of bed this morning in my hotel room, I stepped on it. It looked like I was wearing one of those grey fuzzy rabbit slippers.  

AND SCENE.

Part 2.
We're having breakfast in the morning while my crew is setting up.

Joan: I've seen your work. It's very good, but it's not why I requested you.

Me: No?

Joan: No. I heard you were funny & Jewish.

Me: I'm both.

Joan: You don't look Jewish. How do I know you didn't lie to get the gig?

Me: Everyone named Nathan is either black or Jewish. I'm Jewish.

Joan: I'm not so sure.

I stand up, unbuckle my belt & start to unbutton my pants.

Me: Ok ok. I believe you!

THE SECRET TO OUTLIVING EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER KNOWN.

Seven or so years ago, I was in Palm Springs for a weekend (as I am wont to do) & decided to visit with my Great Aunt Ide. She was, give or take 100 years old & on her deathbed. Given that the vast majority of our family is east of the Mississippi, I visited her when I could. Not so much out of obligation, but because she was a great storyteller & supremely funny. She'd only given up driving a few years before.

Previous to buying her house off South Palm Canyon Drive for maybe $25,000, she lived in Laurel Canyon when it was still primarily a mountain lion hunting community. She was a Vaudeville dancer, pals with the Three Stooges (whom, evidently were avid opium enthusiasts) and by far, my blondest, tannest & most glamorous relative. She was known by my cousins and I simply as "Aunt Ide from California". The exotic one.

She told me tales of sex with Isaac Stern and her outspoken opinions of Bob Hope when we'd see him at Canyon Country Club.

Her lovely Filipino nurse had just made us some really average tuna fish sandwiches & left us to visit in her room.

Perhaps 15 minutes had gone by without anyone saying anything. As most of you know, I don't have much of a filter & the following conversation took place.

Me: So you've outlived everyone you've ever known?

Ide: (Her eyes open & sparkle. She grins). Every last one of em.

Me: Is it lonely?

Ide: No dear. It's the best.

Me: What's the secret?

Ide: Do you really want to know or are you just uncomfortable sitting here quietly with me?

Me: I really want to know.

Ide: Life's a very simple game, made complicated by us. I never worried about a God Damned thing in my entire life. My friends who worried the most died first. My friends who worried the least died last. And I worried less than them. I win.

Me: You never worried?

Not during the great depression, not after the death of my husband. Not ever. I knew that everything would always work out, because it always does. I smoked, I drank, I stayed out late. I had fun.

Me: That's it?

Ide: Yes. You know dear... more than one person called me a whore in my life.

Me: I'm going to get something to drink. Do you want anything from the kitchen?

And scene...