BEDTIME STORIES FOR GROWNUPS
THE TWO TIMES I MET IVANKA TRUMP
The first time I met Ivanka Trump was at New York Fashion Week Late 90's.
I was with a friend who was modeling agent. We were backstage at Marc Jacobs at the Armory. All the biggest supermodels, past & present were there. Mostly wearing nothing but heels, smoking cigarettes and sipping from splits of Veuve Clicquot through black straws so as not to smear their lipstick. I was shooting 3200 speed B&W film through a Contax rangefinder. She motioned for me to come to her.
GIANNA: We have to go see another one of my models for a meeting. She's in another show and has her own private tent.
ME: Who's bigger than these girls? Who gets a private tent here?
GIANNA: Ivanka Trump. She doesn't want to change with photographers around.
ME: Oh ok. Hey. Why do you manage her? Why isn't she repped by Trump Models?
Rolling her eyes and exhaling a plume of silver cigarette smoke.
GIANNA: Please sweetheart.
This was her pure Italian way of telling me that Trump Models was a joke. A Junior Varsity operation. This was common knowledge, but I was still surprised she wasn't the face of her fathers agency.
We make our way into Ivanka's tent. She's on the phone. She's wearing nothing but a pair of silver heels. She waves and gave us her trademark big veneered smile and points to her phone articulating she'll be right with us.
Now, I know the rules in this sort of situation. Keep your eyes upstairs. Act natural. She looked great. Pre breast augmentation and in great shape.
She was gracious. The meeting was maybe 15 minutes and was mostly about scheduling for the next few days.
The second time I met Ivanka Trump was after a day of golf with my friend Bruce at Bel-Air Country Club. It was an early tee time and I of course managed to dribble some coffee on my white polo. I'll play with a dirty shirt at a muni dog track, but not here, so I headed to the pro shop to buy a new one.
I was headed home when I got a call from a musician friend of mine who asked what I was up to.
AARON: Where are you?
ME: Coming down Stone Canyon. You?
AARON: Swing by. Having a few friends over for a BBQ.
ME: En route.
I was sweaty, but still looked good in my best golf clothes. Black tailored trousers, white wing tips & black glove. I headed across town & up Beachwood Canyon in Hollywood Hills East.
As I walked into the house, I saw one of the guys in Aaron's band. Next to him is Ivanka.
JAY: Hey Dude. Do you know my girlfriend Ivanka?
ME: (Shaking her hand) Yes. We've met before.
IVANKA (smiling) Yes! Where?
ME: I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Now I don't know why these things slip out of my mouth. It's like tourette's. I've always been this way. I tease. I kid, but I care. The look on his face was not amused. Her brow furrowed. But before it went south, I needed to reel this back in.
JAY: You've seen her naked?
ME: As the day she was born.
IVANKA: (Thankfully laughing) Where have you seen me naked?
ME: Backstage. Bryant Park with Gianna.
IVANKA: Oh my god. (to Jay) He's totally seen me naked. (to me) I totally thought you were gay!
ME: I totally thought that you totally thought I was gay.
We all laugh...
She notices the logo on my shirt and homes in.
IVANKA: Are you a member at Bel-Air?
ME: No, but I play there once a month.
IVANKA: What's your handicap?
ME: 11
IVANKA: I'm a 2 from the mens tees.
I'm going to assume most of you don't know what this means, but a 2 handicap means her average score give or take, is 2 shots over par. Most club pro's probably aren't two's. Most club champions probably aren't 2's. To be a 2, you need a lifetime of practice, loads of natural talent and the time to play several times per week. Tiger Woods in his prime was a +4. Only 3 shots a side better than Ivanka Trump? I don't think so.
ME: (irritated) No you're not.
IVANKA: (laughing sarcastically) Yes I am.
ME: If you were a two, I would know it.
IVANKA: You know everyone's handicaps?
ME: Not everyone's, but if you were a two, I would know. Everyone would know.
I know I'm being an asshole and maybe a bad guest, but golf is one thing you should never EVER lie about. It's the only pro sport where players call penalties on themselves. It's a game of civility and manners. We take off our hats when we shake hands. She had to be called out.
She changes the subject.
IVANKA: Have you ever played my families course in Palos Verdes?
ME: Yes I have. A few times.
IVANKA: (honest to God she said this) You know, a lot of people say it's better than Pebble Beach.
Fuck. You. You have got to be shitting me. The only thing Trump National and Pebble Beach Golf Links have in common is that they're both situated on the Pacific Ocean. Pebble is a legendary U.S. Open course. Trump National is 18 holes on a piece of land big enough for 14. It's in good shape, but it sucks. No architecture. No style and it has never hosted a single PGA Tour event. It's just a really average, narrow resort course.
ME: (smiling) Nobody has ever once said that that.
She's being a pretty good sport considering I just called her a liar to her face.
IVANKA: (laughing) You think I'm a big blowhard don't you? We should play sometime.
ME: Let's play tomorrow.
IVANKA: Sure. Want to play for money?
I'm not a gambler. I didn't have much money to bet or lose at this point in my life, but there was no way I was going to lose to her with 9 shots. I was playing 4x per week. My swing was grooved and short game was surgical. Above all, I saw the bullshit in her eyes.
ME: Sure. Your course. You give me 9 shots. $1,000 a hole?
IVANKA: Give me your number & if I can make it, I'll call you in the morning.
She never called.
And scene...
