Showing posts with label boulder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boulder. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Kidnapped by Hunter Thompson

Aspen Summer '87-ish

I was a student at the University of Colorado at Boulder and had taken a liking to spending summers there. Colorado is just better than Chicago in the summertime.  My parents had come to visit for a few days and I met them in Aspen for a getaway.

We stayed at the Hotel Jerome. The Jerome is an historic Victorian Hotel  that sits on the corner of Main & Mill in the center of Aspen just below Red Mountain and across the way from Aspen Mountain collectively referred to as Ajax. Four stars, but in that Butch Cassidy kind of way.  It was the best hotel at the time before the luxury chains moved in.  The few times I stayed there, I had always requested a particular standard room just over the front door. It was the only room with a terrace I could smoke on with a great view of the mountain.

My parents and I were getting on each others nerves as is typical for an early 20-something going through a lot of change and experimentation.

We had gotten into it pretty good and I sought refuge at the hotel bar. It was nice and quiet in the afternoon as I sipped glass after glass of Macallan 12 on ice.

90 minutes or so in, the room changed. 2 high fiving fratboy dickheads in shorts and tank tops had taken notice of another patron at the other end of the bar. Hunter S. Thompson.  I recognized him an hour earlier as I'd seen him speak at a campus event at Chautauqua Park at the base of the Flatirons. I just didn't care.  His heyday was before my time, but he always struck me as a poser. A bullshit artist. I respected his hustle, but never his work. I know this will piss some people off and that's alright. As Henry Ford said "There's an ass for every seat".  What struck me as strange was that he wasn't bothered by these moron fans. He seemed to love the attention. Something that made me respect him even less. I mean, is there anything less cool than a fan?



The word fan itself was introduced into English around 1550 and means "marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion". Yep. I got more drunk and less patient. They got louder and more irritating as Thompson told barely coherent, drunken rambling stories.  Finally I had enough.

Me: (glaring) AY! Would you shut the fuck up??? You are so full of shit!

Everyone got quiet. I took another sip and realized Thompson was standing right next to me. Smiling. Signature long billed baseball cap, weird, not Hawaiian type of shirt. Nuthugger shorts.

HST: Yeah, but don't tell those knuckleheads.

I just looked at him dead in the eyes. Just taking him in.  He smelled like cigarettes, blended whiskey and day old sweat.

HST: Do you like guns?

Me: No. (long pause) I love guns.

HST: Do you play golf?

Me: Yeah.

HST: Let's get out of here.

I was 4 or 5 whisky's in & wanted to see where this went. Hunter settled his bill and the bartender placed a silver Tattainger champagne bucket full of ice on the bar. Hunter carried it outside like it was a normal thing to do. We walked to his car, an immense convertible land yacht. The ice bucket was between us and a bottle of Chivas Regal was unsheathed from a brown paper bag and jammed into the ice.

Hammered we headed at high speed out of town. Past McLean flats road and out toward the airport. We were leaving Aspen. Where were we going?

We end up at his house in Woody Creek. It was dated, rustic but cool. Stone fireplace. A taxidermied owl. Bric a brac everywhere. We chatted for awhile. It didn't take long, but I liked the guy. He was funny. Much of our banter felt like well rehearsed, time tested one liners.  I didn't hold it against him. It's kind of my move too.  One moment of note was our mutual love of English Motorcycles. Him BSA. Me Norton. I hadn't yet owned a Norton, but my father had a couple of them new and it wouldn't be long before I had my first.  Dad called his Commandos "The one ways", meaning he could ride it as far and as hard as he wanted. The moment he turned around to come home, it would die and mom would have to pick him up.

Somewhere along the way he handed me a drink of some sort. A concoction that tasted like bitter Hawaiian Punch.

Me: You said something about guns. What have you got?

He waves to follow him. We're outside. There's an old barn and a cliff.

He comes out with an old shotgun. Nothing fancy. A working man's pump gun. A farm gun. An old Winchester with a corncob forend like the police used to have mounted in their front seats. I expected him to have something cooler. Maybe an old Parker side by side with Damascus barrels. In his other hand, he had an old copper Ping 9 iron. I told him I was left handed and couldn't use it. He shook me off. I decided to swing lefty, toe down. Worked fine.

This game had a name, but it's name escapes me. I wasn't feeling well at all. Dizzy & nauseuous. I can't remember if I'd had anything to eat. Whatever the case, I powered through and we took turns hitting the ball while the other person shot it with the shotgun. One of the best games ever. Respect. Now I really didn't feel well. I turned and threw up in the scrub.

Me: Hey Hunter. I'm not feeling well. Can you run me back to the hotel? I drank too much and am really dizzy.

HST: Eh, no big deal. Just a little mescaline. No big deal.

Me: What?!!! You dosed me with Mescaline?

HST: Uh yeah. You're welcome.

Me: Mother. Fucker. Fuck.You! No! I have an 8PM dinner with my parents!

HST: Yeah, you're not going to make that or anything else for at least the next 8-12 hours. He continued to hit balls off the cliff.

There were no cell phones or pagers in those days and I thought it best to call my parents before the sky caught fire or wolves began circling me.

Me: Hey mom. Listen, I ran into a friend and I think I'm going to stay here tonight.

Mom: (Furious in shrill, nasal Chicago dialect) What the hell are you talking about? Get back here! We're only here for a few days!

Not knowing what to do, I hung up.

The rest of the evening is a bit hazy. People came and went. His girlfriend was nice. I stared at that owl on the shelf a lot. Someone gave me a ride back before sunrise.

And scene...








x

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

COLLEGE GRADUATION NIGHT

Recently I was talking with some old friends and I asked them what they did on grad night. Almost none of them could seem to remember exactly how they spent it. "Dinner with my parents", "A keg somewhere, maybe?", "An 8 ball of cocaine & a nitrous tank?"

I remember mine. That's for certain.

Immediately after commencement, my parents had a flight to catch out of the long since closed Stapleton Airport in Denver, which was about an hour from The University of Colorado at Boulder's campus.

Still in cap & gown, we piled into my 1984 Camaro Z-28. Red with Silver side skirts & I dropped them off. It was a growling, vulgar, fast & garish American muscle car of not particularly historical significance, but it was mine, & at the time I thought it was cool.

In a hurry to get back to the parties around campus, I burned up those Goodyear Eagle GT's & hightailed it back across the then mostly desolate front range of the Colorado Rockies between Denver & Boulder.

Nearly halfway back, I see Mars lights in my rearview mirror. Fuck! Colorado State Police. They were everything you'd expect. ridiculous miniature cowboy hats, bolo ties and mustaches. Pagan, dogfucking, lifer assholes. Speaking of assholes, I was an out of state, spoiled college asshole with a new car, Illinois tags, long hair and a Grateful Dead "Steal Your Face" sticker between the rear glass & brake lamp. T-Tops off, wearing a graduation gown & clocked at 94 MPH. In hindsight, I'm not sure who was less likable at a glance, but at the time I was sure it was them.

Trooper: License & registration.
Me: Yes sir officer.
Trooper: Do you know why we pulled you over today?
Me: Yes sir. Because I was speeding.
20 minutes of silence went by with them in their cruiser.

Since my 16th birthday, I had accumulated literally dozens of speeding, reckless driving & even one "Fleeing & Eluding the police in a high speed chase" tickets (but I'll save that story for another time). If history had taught me anything, it was that everyone lies to cops & they really hate it. My olive branch was to eat shit, take the ticket & get on my way.

In the pre Greylord Trials erahttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Greylord
in Chicago, breaking almost any law was a simple inconvenience that involved paying off either the cop on the scene with a $50 or $100 paperclipped to your drivers license or dropping off an envelope full of cash bearing the name of a particular dead person at a particular room number at the La Salle street courthouse, which would then be divided among the prosecuters, judges & God knows who else.

It was a great system, but I knew better than to try this maneuver on a couple of bible thumping shitkickers in Colorado.

The troopers had reappeared on either side of my car.

Trooper: Mr. Nathan, we're going need you to step out of the car with your hands on your head.
Me: Wait. What?
Trooper: You've got a warrant out for your arrest & we're placing you into custody
Me: That's impossible. For what?
Trooper: Step out of the car now or I'll add resisting arrest.
Me: Ok! Ok! Can you please tell me what the warrant is for?

They handcuff & refuse to answer me for 30-40 minutes. I'm standing, boiling in the sun, handcuffed on graduation day wearing a black satin gown. I'm fucking livid.

Me: Hey! Are you going to tell me why I'm being arrested?
Trooper: You have an FTA Warrant.
Me: What the hell is an FTA?
Trooper: A Failure to Appear in Court
Me: No. I don't. For what?

He walks away. Another 20 minutes drags by...

Trooper: (Cites a statute by number).

Me: You'll forgive me, but I don't have your code book memorized. You wanna tell me what it is?

Trooper: A bicycle ticket for a crosswalk against a don't walk sign
By now, my patience had admittedly worn thin.

Me: You have GOT to be SHITTING ME. You're handcuffing me & possibly arresting me. On my graduation day for a BICYCLE TICKET? Can't I just pay the ticket here & now?

Trooper: We're definitely arresting you. Are you attempting to offer us money?

Me: What? Oh my God. No!

Trooper: Since you're graduating, we must assume you'll leave the state without paying this.

Me: I promise I will pay it. (More silence) Fine. Where's the closest police station? Let's just get this over with.

They tow my car away and take me out to a crossroads between wheat fields in the middle of nowhere. They won't answer any of my questions, my fuse is lit and my respect for these dickless idiots is over.

Me: Why the hell are we just sitting here? It's my graduation night! Do you think this is the best use of the states resources? (More asshole dialogue from me & more asshole behavior from them)

Finally in the distance a white school bus appears in the distance. Flat white like it was spray or brush painted. Diesel exhaust stains. Steel mesh, like the pattern you see on wrought iron patio furniture, crudely welded over the windows. Stenciled in black on the side. "Adams County Department of Corrections".

Me: Would you please explain to me what the hell is going on here?

Trooper: There are no police stations nearby and you're going to Brighton.
Me: Brighton the prison? Is this a fucking joke? You're going to put me in Brighton? For a bicycle ticket? No response from Barney Fife nor his idiot girlfriend.

Trooper 2 opens the car door, puts his hand on my head and takes me out of the squad car.

Me: You aren't seriously going to put me on a bus full of fucking felons wearing a graduation gown. At least let me take it off!

Trooper 1: Unlocks a single handcuff, puts one wrist in front of me & one behind me, recuffs me so not only can I not walk upright, but there's no way I could possibly remove the gown.

The bus full of felons is really just 4 other guys who didn't say anything. We pull up to Brighton which has high fences topped with coils of hurricane razor wire and it's pretty terrifying.

We go through multiple steel doors and checkpoints. Cops check their weapons. The smell is dank. The fluorescent light was green, paint on the walls was thickly layered, yellowed and the linoleum floors were old with foot traffic holes worn through to the concrete. The sounds are foreign & unsettling. Walkie Talkie static & chirps, loud buzzes from security doors opening & closing and cell doors slamming . This place sucked.

Trooper 1: We've got a treat for y'all tonight. College boy here thinks he's better than everyone else.

Me: I do NOT think I'm better than everyone else. I just think I'm better than YOU.

I didn't shut up for the next hour, which didn't help & I knew it wouldn't, but I was already fucked and had no patience in those days.

I'm chained to a concrete bench to a steel eye loop. More time goes by. Fingerprinting, mug shots, idiotic questions about aliases, tattoos, scars and other nonsense, most of which were met by sarcastic & fake answers.(I told you I was an asshole).

They start moving me toward a holding cell containing 2 enormous prison tattooed black guys. Especially terrifying about them was the fact they they were smiling.

Me: (to guard) Hey, I want my own cell. If anything happens to me, do you have any idea what's going to happen to you?

(Yes, I was a giant, mouthy, pussy from the suburbs who wore cricket sweaters & white pants. Let me be clear about that.)

They guide me into the cell.

Me: Hey guys.

Inmate 1: (Laughing) What's up Judge?

Inmate 2: (Hissing with laughter) Ss sss sss sss ss.

Me: Judge? What? Oh yeah. My gown. Real funny. (yelling out to guards) Hey! when do I get my phone call! (no response) HEY!!!

13 more hours go by before I get to make my phone call. My fellow inmates turned out to be pretty cool guys (as far as armed robbers go). This was long before there were any cell phones or pagers. School was already out and most people had shut off their utilities for the school year. I figured the Fraternity House was my best bet. Nope. Disconnected. I didn't want to call my parents, since they were not only back in Chicago, but couldn't help anyway.

Bail stipulations were that someone I knew had to bring physical cash in person and give me a ride home. I couldn't think of anyone else who still had a live phone line.

Me: I need another phone call. Line was disconnected.

Guard: Go ahead. One more.

I decide on a wildcard idea & call the Boulder Limousine Service. I'd used them a lot for airport runs over the years and knew the owner pretty well. I also knew their number by heart which was essential.

Larry: Boulder Limousine.

Me: Larry? It's Scott Nathan

Larry: Scott?

Me: Yeah. Hey, I need a huge favor. Huge.

Larry: Yeah? Wasup?

Me: Do you still have my Amex on file?

Larry: Yes sir.

Me: I need you to do a cash advance on my card. I'll give you my pin # & pick me up from jail in Brighton and get me out of here.

There's a bit of back & forth. Larry's worried about doing something wrong. I assure him it's ok and he was my only shot. He agrees. We hang up.

Guard: I just monitored your call and there aint no WAY we're allowing that!

Me: What are you talking about? You said I needed cash, a ride & someone I know. I've satisfied those three things and you have no choice but to let me out of here!

Guard: You can't call a Limousine compn'y.

Me: The hell I can't. The guy is a friend of mine!

We argue for the next 10 minutes.

A meeting of the halfwits commences between 3 of them & they say nothing to me. I see in the small black & white Motorola CRT security monitor, Larry's old silver Lincoln stretch had arrived, and the high fences were closing behind him. License plate: BLS IV.

They decide to let Larry post the bail.

Guard: Nathan. You made bail. You're free to go.

Me: Yeah, I know. I hope you get in a disfiguring car wreck or develop a slow & painful stomach cancer. Seriously. Fuck all of you.

I walk back through the labyrinth of steel doors out onto the asphalt lot. It's cold & the sun is rising.

(In car)
Larry: Yo Scott. (Hands me a glass) Stoli Rocks?

Me: Fuck yes. Thanks Larry. I owe you one.

And scene.