THE DWARF AUDITION

THE DWARF AUDITION One of my dirty little secrets for the past dozen or so years is that, time permitting I audition and occasionally work as a commercial actor. I've done around 40 spots over the years and had some fun. I consider myself to be a uniquely untalented actor. But in a narrow space (usually playing nerds) I can, on occasion get a good joke or slice of improv off. Given the fact that I mostly work as an advertising photographer and commercial director and the talent pool is so small, these auditions are rarely without an awkward exchange. ACTORS & MODELS: Hey Scott! You're shooting this? I really hope we can work together. ME: Hey no. I'm auditioning. They always look at me like I'm fucking with them until they realize I'm rattling a cup for change and health insurance just like they are. One of the funnier auditions was a same day casting email. It was for a Christmas car commercial. I was driving and quickly scanned the email for the time and the casting studio. I entered the studio and saw a sign that said "Volkswagen - Room 3". I sign in, grab a copy of the sides (script) and sit down and begin to learn the lines. As the area began to fill up, I noticed that everyone else in the waiting area were little people. Dwarves. It's not that unusual for multiple categories to be going at the same time, so I ignored it and went back to the dialogue. I felt some stares, but ignored them. Fuck em. Learn the shit. Book the job. Finally I heard a womans voice under her breath say... BIKER CHICK DWARF: Motherfucker... I look up and 10 or 12 little people were staring at me. The one vibing me was clearly the alpha. She had long dyed black hair. Bitch bangs. Pale skin. She wore tiny black leather pants, a chain wallet, sleeve tattoos, motorcycle boots, a white tank top with a black bra underneath and big breast implants. She's giving me the death stare. Unafraid, I looked her square in the eyes. ME: Um... problem? BIKER CHICK DWARF: (muttering and shaking her head) Oh fuck you... Then one of the little guys walks over to me. He seems cool. LITTLE GUY: Hey man. Sorry about my friend. I know you don't mean anything, but Christmas spots are the one time of the year that all of us little people get to work, and ever since motherfucking Lord of the Rings, they've been taking people your size and CG'ing them down. I didn't even know what to say... ME: Hey. My agent told me to be here, so I'm here. I went in, did the audition. Felt ok. Cut to 8PM that night, my phone rings. AGENT: Hey. Asshole. When you confirm an audition, I expect you to be there and not embarrass me. ME: I was there! Volkswagen. Did they say I didn't go? AGENT: Volkswagen? This was for Hyundai. ME: Fuck. I was wondering why I was the only person that wasn't a dwarf. We both started laughing hysterically. Next day. AGENT: You have a callback for Volkswagen. AND SCENE...